Ahh, today was an emotional day for me. We rode again and it was just Amanda S., Leslie, Brenda, and I in the round pen together. Rosie kept trying to kick and bite the other horses and I kept trying to steer her around them or bend her to interrupt her pattern and not cause a wreck. I was nervous that she'd hurt someone else or get us hurt because she wasn't paying attention.
Earlier in the week I had been riding and Eric told me to shorten my reins, I thought they had been short enough, but I shortened them anyway so I had a direct contact with the halter. I felt uncomfortable trying to keep my reins that short, while staying off her face, only using one rein at a time, and sitting back in my saddle but since that's what Eric wanted I just did it and he never followed up with anything else so I assumed that's the rein contact he wanted. Well today he got upset with me for having too much rein contact and picking at her face, as it was decreasing her forward motion and all we were getting were bends and kicks at other horses. I was struggling to get her going forward without running into other horses and when she did go forward I was trying to control her direction. It was visibly upsetting the horse but I kept doing what I thought I was supposed to do, which was have shorter reins as I had been instructed, and figure it out.
Eric came up and said that we really needed to get after her and get her going before I lost all forward momentum and she developed a habit of tossing her head (which she was doing a lot) and/or bucking. He said he wanted to flag her and that I should hang on just in case she kicked out, bucked, or jumped forward. I really wanted to find out more of what the plan was before Eric started so I could determine if I was up to the task or not. Eric got really snappy with me and told me that basically I needed to get off or stay on but we were fixing it and I should just hang on.
This class is a real emotional exercise for me. Everyday I experience a fear response to riding and sometimes even just tacking up gets my adrenaline going a little. It's a culmination of bad experiences, accidents, getting hurt, and having unpredictable horses that have led me to where I'm at now. I almost dropped the colt start right before it began because the thought of coming to class made me nauseous. But I felt that the only way to get over my fear response was to get a little closer to what made me nervous each day and step outside of my comfort zone. I wanted to make progress and not let my inhibitions get in the way of my dreams and goals with horses. I selected a colt that I felt would be quiet and that I could feel safe with given the circumstances of starting colts. Each thing we've done, from sitting on our horses on the fence to being ponied around to now on our own has been pushing me to address my fear issues and overcome them a little at a time.
Today when we were back in the small round pen with the other horses and she was being pissy I was doing my best to manage our situation and remain calm and be a leader. If I'm afraid or tense I know I pass that along to my horse and that gets in the way of our progress if I can't be relaxed for both of us. As everything got worse and Eric got upset with me I hit the end of my comfort level. I didn't feel he was listening to me at all. He asked us to make sure we told him when we were uncomfortable so we could all stay safe and he also told us to ask questions whenever we had them. Today I was trying to do both of those things before he went to flagging Rosie and I and I felt that he was annoyed with me for doing that. Eric wants us to trust him, believe that our safety is his number one priority - which I believe that for him it is - but my safety is my number one priority too and I know I can't be safe when I'm scared. I was trying to keep myself together because I was offended that he was annoyed and snapping at me, I was embarrassed because I felt he was calling me out in class and getting angry that I couldn't figure out my rein position, and I was scared. I can't control when my fear rises, but I can control how I handle that fear and what situations I choose to put myself in when I'm afraid. I can't trust Eric or respect him as an instructor if he can't remain calm when things get tense and be willing to explain things and respect our limitations as students. I'm not a professional, I've never started a colt before, and I have been hurt by horses before, so when I get unsure I need a teacher that can be supportive and help me feel comfortable to keep going and make progress.
After Eric heard what I had to say about being unsure of being flagged I think he got even more upset with me and made a class announcement that he wasn't trying to get us bucked off, that didn't we know our safety was his priority?, and that he wasn't going to go around flagging us like crazy. This only called more attention to the situation and singling me out - or so it felt. I know Eric isn't going to go flagging us around like nuts but I wanted to know what he was going to do, at what speed, and for him to know that I wasn't comfortable if Rosie did get upset and things got more intense that I didn't want to stay on her for that. I was willing to try it, but if she tried bucking I wanted off and someone else could ride her.
He did do a little flagging with me in the group after that after we discussed my reins. I explained why I had made them so short and he showed me how he wanted them instead and understood better why I had had them that way. When he did flag us Rosie kicked out some and pinned her ears, head tossed, etc but we did gain forward motion!! It was hard to keep going when you have other horses that are walking in front of you, but the flagging did help get our feet unstuck. After that, he dismissed the other horses from the round pen and asked if another student could ride Rosie while he got after her for her snotty behavior and kicking at him and his horse. The other student got on and did really well. Eric was able to get a walk, trot, and some canter out of Rosie and did get after her a couple times for kicking out at his horse he was on and for crowding his space. She needed that and I saw the benefit of what he was doing. When they were done I was given the opportunity to get back on and try it myself. Eric was really kind and clear about what he expected and what I should do. It went really well and I felt very pleased with that last ride.
I'm very interested to see how she interacts with the other horses while being ridden in the pen tomorrow and how her forward motion is. Eric said if she looks like she needs some getting after while the other horses are in the pen than he'll have the other student ride her again if I don't feel comfortable. He also said a day or two of this and we shouldn't have many problems after that.
I am excited for tomorrow and to ride again (for the first time all block!). I think Rosie will be better and I feel much happier with the rein position and how it all should feel. I think Eric did really well with Rosie today and really helped her/us. I know he's under a lot of stress being responsible for us all in there, but we're under a lot of stress too - especially those of us who haven't done colts before. It's an intense time for everyone and I just hope that all tempers can remain more neutral and cool tomorrow.
I am hoping that by the time this class is over I will have built good experience upon good experience and have a different outlook on riding, my safety, and my capabilities in tense situations. My goals really aren't about the colt at all, they're about me and developing my confidence. I can do everything in this class, I know I can, I just need to get over my fears first.
Oh and I rode in a halter without a snap at the end of class and it made a HUGE difference in her head tossing. It was Eric's idea to change out the halters and it was a great one - I'm definitely bringing my snap-less halter tomorrow!
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